"Wow..."

"Wow." Those were the first words out of the doctor’s mouth when he came into the room where I was waiting for my baseline scan. But let’s back up a little bit…

The 2 week wait was horrendous – the worst one yet, I think because everything had gone SO well. It was like the perfect cycle. That’s a lot of pressure. I had moments where I felt like maybe it had actually worked and then others I felt like I just couldn’t believe it. I had some symptoms that I hadn’t had before (SUPER sore and puffy boobs!) and I noticed a lot of twinges in my abdominal area. But I told myself that it could just be side effects of the Follistim (or gas!).  Also, both weekends of the wait put me in situations where I was the only one in the group not drinking which was really not fun. It’s one thing to be the pregnant one of the group but being in that in-between “might be pregnant” place was not easy.

Friday – 11 days after my trigger shot and 9 days after I was supposed to have ovulated – I broke down and bought 3 pregnancy tests and went home and took one. I knew it was too early and that it wasn’t going to tell me anything but I was just tired of giving my period all the power (as strange as that sounds!) I wanted bad (or good) news from another source.  There was a super, super faint “am I really seeing this?” line – but I knew it could be the HCG trigger still in my system so it really didn’t help at all. (As an aside, the injection I take to make me ovulate is the same hormone that makes a home pregnancy test show positive. That’s why they tell you to wait 2 weeks after the trigger to test – it can be a false positive.) But I knew if I took another test and the line was darker, it could mean it was the HCG of a pregnancy. I broke down and took another test on Saturday (so impatient!) and it looked pretty much the same or maybe fainter.

Sunday was the 13^th day past my trigger – the day my period had come every other treatment cycle. I remember lying in bed that morning in pain from having to pee but being scared to get up and find that my period was starting. To my relief, it hadn’t. I decided no tests that day – if I made it through I was going to test again Monday. Then when I got up and around, I started to feel queasy – not like I was going to vomit but just upset in the stomach. Of course, I immediately Googled “how soon can morning sickness start?” and began to feel hopeful. The queasiness gradually developed into a feeling I can only describe as “weird” – I just felt weird. But then the lower abdominal cramping began to get worse.  We were standing in line at the grocery store and I knew it – it took everything I had not to break down crying.

As an aside, one of the worst parts of when my period starts is telling Jared. It’s always the same – me in the upstairs bathroom getting the bad news and then the slow walk downstairs.  He starts talking about something or asks me a question and I have to stop him in his happy tracks…

We were, of course, terribly upset – even though you try to remain as neutral as possible during the 2 weeks, it’s still a crushing blow. I think we were both terrified about having had a “perfect cycle” and it still didn’t work. But I also read that success rates of Follistim increase each time up to 3 times – I told Jared “we just need to play out our odds!” That night I had 2 glasses of wine and a big bowl of ice cream and tried not to cry.

 It was back to the clinic for a baseline scan to start another round of Follistim…or so we thought. (You know how something bad happens and you are upset, and then something worse happens and you look back and wonder why you were so upset about the first bad thing.)

As I said, the first thing the doc said was "wow." He and the nurse couldn’t believe we were back and that the cycle hadn't worked. As soon as he started the scan, I looked up at the screen and saw the big blobs and knew something was not normal. Yep – a bunch of pretty sizeable cysts on each ovary. The doc and the nurse said they were worried this would happen (a side effect of injectables that no one told us about!).  As I understand it, because I had so many follicles in the last cycle, the ones that do not ovulate an egg sometimes fill up with fluid causing the cysts. They would naturally go away but it meant we couldn’t start a new round of treatment this month and, to add insult to injury, without treatment this month, of course I will not get a period and I’ll have to take my 31-day round of pills to get it again. So that means we are out of the game until JULY. I started to bawl right there…

I wish I could accurately explain the pain I feel right now (and I will admit it is very raw at this particular moment in time). It’s a constant state of heartache. I feel like we are living a tragedy.

But even in my sadness, I feel like I have no right to feel sorry for myself - there is so much in all this that I have to be thankful for…

-- Unlike so many other couples facing a similar battle, we do not have to worry about the costs associated with these treatments. (I read online that one vial of Follistim, which I would go through in a few days, would retail for $900!!) Our insurance is such a blessing.

-- In the world of women with fertility problems, I am considered young (versus women trying to get pregnant in their 40s) – and my age increases our odds of success with treatment.

-- I follow some online infertility message boards because I like to read about other women’s experiences. I cannot believe how prevalent miscarriages are – there are women who are going through the same struggle I am but that have gotten pregnant and miscarried (sometimes more than once). I can’t even imagine going through that and I am thankful that I haven’t.

-- Most importantly, I am most thankful for Jared. He is the most supportive and caring partner that any person could ask for and he is fighting this battle right alongside me. My life is blessed in unimaginable ways and I know I have to focus on that at all times.

So what now? It’s back to life as usual I guess…and waiting for summer.