My 'night before transfer' therapy!
I was thankful that I fell asleep right away that night. Unfortunately, it didn’t last. At about 2 am I was awake – with cramps. In my half sleeping-half awake state, I was in a panic that I was going to lose my lining. (In retrospect, it was probably a side effect of the progesterone.) I was also stressing about the fact that we must have nicked a nerve during my shot that evening because the side of my right thigh had gone numb. It was just an anxious night. I gave up on sleep around 5 and got in the shower. Once Jared got up, I put our bed sheets in the washer. I figured I’d want fresh sheets to either relax after the transfer or lay around in all day miserable.
When 7 am rolled around, my heart was raising. Jared and I were treating my phone like a bomb – scared to look at it. I was upstairs putting the fresh sheets on the bed when the bomb rang. It was the embryologist – the one I don’t really like who delivered the first bit of bad news after our egg retrieval. She said the embryo was thawed and it “looks pretty darn good.” I could breathe again. I yelled down to Jared, “She made it!”
Because nothing is ever easy, another issue we were dealing with on this day was an impending snow storm. Luckily it hadn’t started yet but we packed bags in case it got bad and we had to stay over down in King of Prussia. But our embryo had survived and we were off!
In
a few hours, we arrive in KOP and I already had to pee like crazy! Of course,
this was as instructed – my bladder had to be full for the transfer. I actually
overdid it with a peach Snapple and ended up having to cheat and let a little
out. No matter what, it was miserable. When it was time they took me back to
the same little changing area as when I was there for my egg retrieval. This
time Jared got to come and was outfitted with covering for his clothes, shoes,
and head. I had to change into a cloth gown and put on surgical socks and head
covering. They reviewed all my vitals and the doc doing the transfer (not mine,
another from the practice who I had met before) came and said hello. Finally,
the embryologist came in with a pic of our little embryo. I remember her saying
“I know you guys have been through a lot…” I guess our horrible cycle is
infamous. After all this, she looked good and we were so ready to get her in my
uterus.
All ready for the
embryo transfer!
Our little grain of
rice...
Luckily the wait for my blood test was only 9 days. I wasn’t really watching for any symptoms this time around because I knew it was just too early for there to be any. I was following some food and lifestyle protocols that I had read about: eating pineapple, walnuts, avocado, and lots of protein; keeping my feet warm at all times; abstaining from caffeine (and alcohol, of course); trying to eat and drink warm foods. I also was just walking and not running as the doctor said no strenuous exercise until after the test. And, of course, I was praying and praying.
I did start to get frustrated as the days went on, especially because it was Christmas. I missed out on drinks at my office Christmas party and at a good friend’s 30th birthday party. It’s even worse when people notice you aren’t drinking and want to know why. Like I have said before, it’s one thing to be “the pregnant one” but it just isn’t fun to be the “might be pregnant one.” I also missed my morning caffeine and running. I was just having moments here and there that I began to grow weary of everything putting my life on hold.
Based on extensive internet research, I knew that I COULD potentially test positive on a home test at 6 days after my transfer. I peed on sticks Friday and Saturday (6 and 7 days post transfer) and they were negative. But I also knew that I could have a negative this early and still be pregnant, so I didn’t get too worked up about it. Nonetheless, I was tired of negative tests so I opted to hold off and wait for the blood test (9 days post transfer, that Monday).
Early Sunday morning I was awakened by cramps. I was devastated. It was just like every other cycle – so much hope and then it all falls apart right before test day. Even though I continued to cramp, my period never showed. My mom was convinced it was pregnancy cramps but I have read too much and knew it was likely just my period trying to come but the progesterone injections keeping me from bleeding. In the end, I decided there was nothing I could do and that it was in God’s hands. The blood test would be the only answer.
On Monday I was still having cramps but no period so I drove to the doctor for my blood test. I was actually happy that I had made it to this day…every other cycle my period arrived before the test. Since I wouldn’t be getting the call until that afternoon and work was dead with it being so close to Christmas, I spent the day doing one of my favorite things in the world – baking! I knew that if anything was going to distract me from awaiting the phone call, it was making cookies.
I knew the office usually called anywhere between 2 and 4 with blood results. So around 2:00, my heart started to race and I couldn’t concentrate on anything. I started to do things here and there but I was just shaking. It was late – around 3:30 I think – when that bomb rang. It was Dr. Nguyen. She told me she was not calling with good news. The test was negative.
In that moment, I was thankful for the cramps – that they had allowed doubt and preparedness for this moment to get in my head. I think if my heart had been totally full of hope, I would have been heartbroken. Of course, I was sad…but it’s almost like I knew what she was going to say before she said it. I was just hoping I was wrong.
I told her we were probably going to go right into another round of IVF but that I would talk to Jared about it. Then it was my turn to make an awful phone call…to Jared who was at work. I delivered the news swiftly – “no-go.” We quickly moved on to logistics – do we go again? Take a break? What’s the account balance?
When I got off the phone with Jared, I just sat there. It was quiet and I was totally alone. I let myself sob for a brief period, maybe a minute or 2, and then I stopped. It was done. Crying, to me, has become a futile exercise. I mean, I still cry sometimes when I am talking about something or relaying information – it’s almost involuntary. But just sitting and crying has become stupid…it doesn’t change anything or help the situation and it usually makes me feel worse. So I let myself have a moment and then it was done. I removed my estrogen patch, took the picture of our embryo off the fridge, and shoved my calendar and all my meds that had been sitting out in the kitchen in my med basket on the floor. It was over and I didn’t want any evidence in my sight that it had ever happened.
After the negative test, I was able to stop the progesterone shots. (I actually had planned to switch over to progesterone cream anyway.) But after I stopped, not only did I still have numbness (now even a little on the left side as well as the right), I got a terrible rash on both sides at the injection sites. It was as if each injection spot had turned into a mosquito bite! The itching was so bad it was keeping my awake at night. Weeks have passed now and my butt/legs are still feeling the effects. I am not sure I could go through the shots again.
I was amazed at how quickly I started to feel “normal” again. “Normal” being “there is no way I am pregnant right now.” It just felt like it was back to life as we know it. The next step was deciding where we go next. Initially I thought about taking a month off but after giving it some thought I realized I just wanted to power through. If my eggs really are poor quality, another cycle would tell us for sure. I just want to get that answer so we can know if there really is any hope or not. I am also ready to be done with fertility treatments. Of course, if the next round is not successful, we will always continue to “try” naturally. But I feel that this will probably be it, at least for a long while. I am ready to have my life back and to start beginning the execution of the “no kids” life if that’s what it’s going to be.
Looking back 2013 was awful…1 failed round of Clomid, 1 cancelled round of Femara, 1 failed round of Follistim, 4 rounds of Menopur (2 failed, 2 cancelled), 4 IUIs, and 1 failed round of IVF. So much hoping and praying and so much heartache. Maybe in 2014 everything will turn around for us. Maybe we will finally be blessed with a child. Or maybe we will finally start to move on. I just keep praying.
