An unexpected surprise…and an unexpected disappointment

After the upsetting news about my ovarian cysts, Jared and I settled into the idea that we were done with treatments until July. So when I called the clinic to get my “period pills” when my period didn’t come at the end of May, I was surprised that they wanted to me to come in for a scan. The nurse said the doc wanted to check the cysts and “maybe try something new.” I was intrigued but didn’t give it much thought. In all honestly, I was actually expecting the cysts to still be there.

 

After another hiatus, it was back to Danville:

The entrance to the clinic @ Geisinger:

 
Well, the scan revealed NO CYSTS! I was happy about that alone. Then the doctor said he wanted to start me on a new drug – Menopur – and that I didn’t need to wait for my period so we could start right away! We were elated. It was so unexpected…I had packed June full of fun activities to make the time go faster and now we didn’t have to wait. I should have known – if we have learned anything in this fertility game it’s that the second you think you know what’s going to happen, things get turned on their head.

 

So the new drug is much like the Follistim – one injection per day. However, unlike the handy Follistim injection pen, Menopur has to be reconstituted which means mixing vials and dealing with syringes. I had had some practice at this for my HCG shot so I wasn’t too concerned. After a messy ordeal with getting the meds ordered (the clinic faxed the order to the wrong company…at 5:00 on a Friday!), we got everything straightened out  - thankfully we weren’t on a clock to start because I had not had a cycle (normally you would have to start on a certain day after day 1 of your period). The reconstitution process was more complicated than I expected but after a few days I got the hang of it. The shot hurt more than the Follistim – it burned when going in but it really wasn’t terrible. And my stomach didn’t bruise like it did before.

The new drug - Menopur:

 

All the supplies to do my injection every evening:

After a few days on the meds, it was marathon running to Danville for blood work and scans...Thursday, Friday, Monday, Wednesday, Friday…it got old pretty quick. Work is already crazy busy so losing big chunks of my days was really stressing me out.  My first scan showed that my uterine lining was thickening (good news!) and that I already had a follicle developing (more good news!). The doctor seemed happy that the meds were working. Subsequent scans showed more follicles and a little growth. By Wednesday, I had 4 follicles but they were all still pretty small. I was starting to worry a little bit because by this time on the Follistim my follicles were almost mature (big enough for me to trigger ovulation and get my IUI). After my Wednesday appointment, the doctor ordered me to increase my dosage so I was hopeful that by Friday the follicles would be close to mature and maybe I would be ready for IUI on Monday.

One of my little follicles being measured on the screen:

Friday’s scan showed almost no growth. The doctor seemed stumped. They keep a “log” of my scans and he just stared at that paper for what seemed like forever. And then, and I could tell with reluctance, he said he thought we should cancel the cycle. He said the follicles just weren’t growing and that we shouldn’t just keep pumping me full of meds. As you can imagine, I was heartbroken.  I was sad that we weren’t going to get to try at all this cycle and that I had done 11 injection days for nothing. But I also felt afraid that the meds hadn’t worked – that whatever is wrong with my body might not be able to be fixed…

So the doc says I SHOULD get my period in 2 weeks because my uterine lining did get thick on the Menopur (which it does not do on its own). But I am not getting my hopes up. Even if I do get my period, I am thinking I will probably have a bunch of cysts again like I did after the Follistim. But when I do come back in, he wants me to do the Menopur again but starting at the higher dosage. I asked if we should go back to the Follistim (duh, since that like, you know, worked!) but he said Menopur is actually a better drug, whatever that means.

In this moment, which may or may not last, I feel completely discouraged. I feel like we are putting our life on hold waiting for something that may never happen.  And as is always the case when we get bad news, I get weak in my thoughts and feel angry and sad that we have to go through all of this, especially when so many can have children so easily. But this thinking is like tears -- it really serves no purpose and doesn’t change a darn thing…

In the end, as close as I am to my breaking point, I’m not there yet. So, as always, we shall press on…