The Dreaded 2 Week Wait...

When we last left off, I was just starting my Follistim injections.  I was at the clinic for bloodwork and scans every other day (which was painful not only for my time but also for my gas tank and my veins –my arms are still sore). I started at 50 units, then it was 100, and then 150…by my 9^th injection day (a Friday), we finally had measurable follicles on the screen!  I was so relieved in that moment! After 2 previous visits of seeing nothing, I had begun to panic that the meds wouldn’t work. So they kept me at 150 through the weekend and at my Monday scan I had 5 measurable follicles! 2 of them were mature – a 17 and a 19 (I believe 16 to 21 is the goal). Plus, as soon as the doc started the scan, he said that my uterine lining looked the best it ever has (previously it was thin, making implantation more difficult)…I was totally overwhelmed with good news J


**Here is a pic of all my injection equipment:

 

They informed that I would do my HCG trigger shot right away and come in for an IUI the next morning. This kind of surprised me because the shot is supposed to make me ovulate 24-48 hours later, making a next day IUI a bit early. But I think they wanted me to do the shot ASAP so that none of the other 3 follicles got closer to maturity (risk of too many babies!).  Then there was another problem...

The nurse came in and said the lab was slammed for the morning of my IUI because the doc was in surgery in the afternoon and had to take all his patients in the morning…could we collect the sperm sample at home??!! I started to freak out and explained to her that it takes us AT LEAST an hour and 15 minutes to get to Danville. She said it would be okay as long as it was no longer than an hour and a half…I was like, geez – I have to risk my whole cycle and 11 days of injections on a 15 minute window! I could just see the spontaneous traffic on the bridge in Northumberland ruining everything.  Needless to say, I was not a happy camper. In the end, Jared and I decided that the risk was too much so we opted to drive back out to Danville that night and stay in a hotel. It made for a very strange, outside our routine 24 hours but I still think it was the best option.

When the doc and nurse came in for my IUI, they said that the lab paperwork had noted the sperm sample as “Excellent!”  This combined with my super uterine lining had us high with hope! The IUI was more painful that my previous 2 (which stinks because I will now have anxiety if I ever have to do it again)…the doc had a resident with him and he let her do it and I think she bumped my uterus making it contract. I am pretty sure he said “sorry” 100 times as I was moaning in pain, haha.

 

**I had Jared snap this pic of me after the IUI (they let you lay there for 10-15 mins with your hips elevated - it's actually very relaxing...a chance to take a breath and feel relieved.) -- I figured if we did make a baby this cycle, it would be a picture we'd be happy to have:

 

But all is a done deal now and we are officially in what I believe to be one of the WORST parts of these treatments – THE DREADED 2 WEEK WAIT. That’s how long it will take for me to (a) get pregnant; and (b) have it show up as a positive on a pregnancy test.  It’s 2 weeks of: Googling about success rates, questioning every abdominal twinge, worrying about how much I should exercise or if it can hurt my chances, wondering what could be going on in my body (or not going on). Also, I am choosing to have no alcohol this round. I have not drank before and then allowed myself to have a few in previous cycles. But I've decided to err on the side of caution this time because everything has gone so well.

I find myself walking that fine line between not sabotaging myself with negative thoughts and not getting my hopes up. I think that might be the worst part of the 2ww – the hope. I want to feel hopeful – it’s unlike other moments in time because I could actually be pregnant (or be getting pregnant ) – but I am also terrified of allowing that hope to creep in…because once it creeps in, it makes a sad outcome so much worse.

How to have a full scale melt down in the hospital pharmacy…

So after 2 weeks of waiting for my period to come after the Femara failure (which I knew it wouldn’t) and then my 31-day cycle of pills to induce a period, we were back at the clinic this week! It was actually kind of nice to have had the 6 week break. It gave me the opportunity to relax and focus my energy on things other than fertility meds…driving to Danville for scans…am I eating enough?...am I running too much?...am I ever going to be able to get pregnant?...It was like my brain got to be just a little bit quieter for a brief moment in time.

We knew we were starting injectable meds this cycle so Jared came along to my baseline scan appointment, which he doesn’t normally do. I knew I’d be getting injection instructions and I have a tendency to not listen when it’s important that I really pay attention. J (I am SO thankful he was there!) All went fine with the scan, everything looked good and we even got the happy news that our insurance would cover everything and we didn’t need to pay anything out of pocket up front. After my scan, they sent me next door for a blood draw (injectable meds involve scans as well as the monitoring of blood work – oh joy) and then I was to go the pharmacy in the hospital to pick up my meds (Follistim is the name of the new drug) and come back to the clinic for my injection lesson. I would be starting my first injection that night (cycle day 3). When we went to the pharmacy, I verified that they had gotten the script from the doctor and she began to get it ready. Then she called me up to the window – as it turns out, because it is such expensive medication, our insurance requires that we obtain it from a “Walgreens Preferred Pharmacy” – a mail order company – and that it had to be shipped to us!

I have to explain that upon entering the clinic and Geisinger Hospital in general again, I found myself to be on edge…I have so many sad and frustrating memories of this place – it’s like I was just waiting for the floor to drop out from under me. So when I heard this, I lost it. I pretty much had a panic attack and began to sob uncontrollably in the pharmacy.  I just remember thinking that if we couldn’t get the meds I wouldn’t be able to start the new cycle that night and I would have to take Clomid again, which doesn’t work, or go through another 2 month break. I just felt that cloud forming over me again – “it just shouldn’t be this hard”. I was overwhelmed in one moment with all the awful things that I try not to let come to the surface…it’s not fair that other people can just get pregnant…why is this happening to us?...Did we do something to deserve this?...I am never going to be able to get pregnant.

Long story short – despite the efforts of the wonderful pharmacy tech, who was on the phone for 40 minutes trying to get Highmark to grant us a one-time emergency exception, it was a no-go. Thankfully, we found out that the company could overnight the meds to us and, although not ideal, I could start the injections the next day (CD4). Did I freak out for nothing? Pretty much, haha. It made for a very long and exhausting morning…

So here’s where we are – 1 injection a day (they are easy peasy – in the belly, tiny needle, no pain – even a reusable injection pen which is way easy to use)…I go back to Danville in a few days for a scan and new blood work. Based on how things look, he could increase my dosage. (This is the nice aspect of injectables – with oral meds, I wouldn’t be able to increase dosage until the next cycle.) The nurse told me to expect probably 8-10 injection days until I am ready for my HCG trigger shot (to ovulate) and an IUI.  I am trying to not to get my hopes up because, as I learned with Femara, there is just no way to know how my body will react to any medication (stupid lazy ovaries!!). But, right now, I am thankful to be starting a new chance at getting pregnant.