"There's obviously something broken..."

"There's obviously something broken..." Those were the words of the doctor who did my last scan last week. And yes, they hit like a ton of bricks. I mean, clearly, we knew that something was not right. But hearing it so matter-of-factly was a bit startling. But let’s back up…

When last I wrote, I was pretty much in a panic that the cycle was failing. I found out that the doctor had decided to kick back my meds because my follicles were all growing together (2 many mature follicles = risk of too many babies) and my estrogen was increasing very quickly. My understanding is that he thought scaling back my dosage would stop some of the small ones from progressing. Well, what happened was that the dosage ended up being too low and it basically shut everything down. By Sunday’s scan, I had no growth and my estrogen levels had dropped off. Plus, I lost my uterine lining thanks to the lack of estrogen (can you say spontaneous period!?). Dr. Freedman called and explained all this to me on the phone, which was nice. He felt badly that this had happened. He kept saying “I don’t want to overcook ya.” – Nothing like feeling like a Thanksgiving turkey – ugg. He didn’t cancel the cycle but just decided that I would basically be at baseline and starting over. I was 2 weeks into injections and not pleased…

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Pic of the inside of my sharps container! Lots of needles...

 

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I went back for scans the next week and there was minimal growth and my estrogen was SLOWLY creeping up. On Friday, the doctor came in…

As an aside – let me explain the situation with the doctors. When we switched to RMA, there were 4 doctors from the Philly practice that rotated days in Mechanicsburg. Dr. Freedman was there the day of our consult so he became our doctor. We would see whichever doctor was in the office for scans, but Dr. Freedman was handling our care decisions. However, when we were in our first cycle, the Mechanicsburg office got a full time doctor – Dr. Nguyen – and the Philly doctors would no longer be coming to Mechanicsburg. They offered us the option of switching over to the new doctor but we decided at the time to stick with Dr. Freedman because we had talked to him so much and felt so impressed by him. But since August, Dr. Nguyen is who I have been seeing at my scan appointments.

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 Site of our new fertility dr - RMA of Central PA

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So Dr. Nguyen came in and asked me if I was frustrated. She said she had looked over my cycle and even she felt frustrated for me. I told her that we have been at this for so long that we don’t even notice the frustration anymore. She began to talk about IVF and asked if we had thought about it. (She had dropped an IVF comment on me before so I wasn’t overly shocked this time.)

Another aside – IVF is in-vitro fertilization – basically they used injectable meds to grow a whole bunch of eggs, then the eggs are retrieved in a “minor” surgical procedure, they are fertilized with the sperm in a lab, and then the embryo(s) are transplanted back into the uterus to hopefully implant. It’s invasive, time consuming, and expensive (think out-of-pocket without insurance - $10,000-$15,000ish) but offers success rates that are leaps and bounds higher than any other treatments.

I told her that we were pretty resigned to the fact that that is probably where we are headed. I also told her about our stellar insurance coverage…her response: “Oh you should do IVF!” She seemed pretty certain that was the best option based on what she was seeing. I told her that we were okay with moving on to that and we were both just ready for it to be over – baby or no baby. She told me not to think of IVF as the end of the line – that some patients are just better suited for it and she feels that way about me. She said that it’s not like I failed at everything else so now it’s on to IVF. In my head I am thinking – I am pretty sure that’s exactly what it is like!

After my scan she said that things could go on in the cycle to work out but to think about IVF for next time. The nurse also mentioned to me again about switching doctors and I left considering if that would be best (I hate making decisions!). Luckily, the decision was soon made for me. That afternoon the office called – Dr. Freedman was cancelling my current cycle and recommending that I set up an IVF consult with Dr. Nguyen. It was a tough message – it’s like I knew it was coming but to have it actually be right there in front of me was painful. I also felt a little relieved that the doctor switching decision was made and that we were finally moving on to the final level in this long battle.

Our consult is tomorrow. I am anxious to get the scoop on the whole thing. I have read enough – and talked enough to a fellow IVFer – to feel a bit afraid but I am trying to hold out on any true fear or judgment until I get the whole story. We are armed with a list of questions and will see how it goes.

Ironically, I realized that my first treatment cycle – a diddly 50 mg of Chlomid – was in September 2012…one year ago. IVF will be my TENTH round of treatment. We started trying to get pregnant in August 2011…TWO YEARS AGO. The time that has passed blows my mind. In that time I have had friends get pregnant, have their babies, and celebrate their babies’ 1^st birthdays. I just pray that in a year from now we are in a different place in our lives and off this path of sadness and waiting.