So I was in Danville last week
for my first scan after taking Femara…I was trying not to get my hopes up but I
thought I would get at least the same results as I did with Clomid, if not
better. Well, there was not a measurable follicle to be found. Even on my first
round of Clomid at the lowest dose I had SOME response…but there was NOTHING. I
was really upset. The doctor said that we will definitely start me on
injectable meds next time and to not get discouraged. I hate it but when I go to the doctor by
myself -- he just sounds like the teacher from Charlie Brown – I just don’t
have a full understanding of what’s being said. (Plus, our doc has a pretty
thick accent that takes some getting used to.) All I remember is a few
fragmented phrases: “If we can just get you to ovulate…so we can get you
pregnant…you have been with us for such a long time.” That last part was the
killer: “You have been with us for such a long time.” I felt like I was now not
only in the small number of women who need infertility treatment, I am now also
in the even smaller number who have basic infertility treatment not work. And wasn’t I ovulating the last 2 cycles?? If
all of this wasn’t enough, when I relayed the info to Jared he reminded me…when
there’s no follicles, there’s no period! So I am stuck taking my 31-day round
of pills to get my period. I went from being hopefully about our February cycle
to facing not being able to try again until APRIL.
The doc had me return for one
last scan in a few days to be sure the follicles didn’t grow, which they didn’t.
Plus, at this appointment, I got more information about the injectable
treatment I was in for in 2 months. There was no good news – more visits to the
clinic, injections every day, blood work and scans, and more money. They even
made me sit down with the insurance lady and sign a paper saying she went over
my maximum out of pocket costs.
As an aside here, I have amazing
insurance coverage thanks to my wonderful husband being willing to work at a
job he doesn’t really like that is an hour away. LOVE YOU!! We are beyond
thankful that, at least at this point, we do not have to worry about how to pay
for treatment. Now if we get into IVF, it could be a whole new ball game.
After this appointment I was
realizing that we were moving into a new realm of treatment. The basics had not
worked and now it was getting more invasive. I have really found myself
questioning how far I am willing to go to get pregnant. I know, I know – most people
would think, “if you really want to have a baby, you’d do anything”. But there’s
a part of me that feels that it just shouldn’t be this hard. And I am beginning to open to the idea that
maybe it is not in God’s plan for me to have children.
So at this point, we have
decided to definitely try one round of the injectable meds and see how it goes.
But Jared and I have started to have some serious discussions about
our “no kids” life and what it might look like. As of now, it's some time off from everything and waiting for spring...
I am not entirely certain that I
know my purpose for starting this blog. I think a part of me just wants to get
it out – to put down in writing what’s in my head. I also think, in part, that
it could be a good tool to share with others who want to know what we are going
through. I am not even entirely sure how much I want to share here. Of course,
the technical side of things…but I am hoping I can be brave enough to also
share the emotional side. I will work on that…
Until then, here is our story so
far:
You know how you don't know how
badly you want something until you can't have it? Then, you want it so much
that it's all you eat, sleep, and dream about. Well, that's my tale of trying
to get pregnant....
I have dreamed my whole life
about being a mother...it might actually be the only dream I ever had (aside
from being rich and famous, of course!). I always wanted to be the "soccer
mom" – the kind of mom who runs her kids all over town to practices and
friends’ houses, who makes their birthday cakes and helps them with their
science fair projects.
It was June 2011 when Jared and
I started talking seriously about starting a family. We had been married over a
year and I had just quit my job an hour away in favor of a job not only less
than a mile from our house but that also allows me to make my own schedule. So at the end of June I stopped taking my
birth control pills with the intention of giving my body some time to get back
into the swing of things and to officially “stop trying to NOT have a baby”
after we went to the beach the first week of August. I remember phrasing it
this way because I didn’t want to get TOO excited (in retrospect, it’s like I already
had a premonition that this was not going to be easy).
In July, when my period normally
would have come, it didn’t show up. I had read that it could take some time for
the body to start doing its thing again so I didn’t immediately panic. But when
I still had had no period by August, I emailed my doctor. She said to wait 3
months before making an appointment…well, 3 months came and went so I went in
for blood work. Everything came back normal. So she referred me to an OBGYN,
who put me on Provera – a pill a day for 10 days that was supposed to “jump
start” my cycle. Three rounds of this and nothing. Now I was starting to worry.
The next step? A consult with a
fertility doctor in Danville (which is an hour and 20 minutes away – a drive
that I have done so many times by now I am pretty sure I could get there in my
sleep). It was now January 2012, six months since I stopped my Pill.
Our first fertility clinic
appointment left Jared and I feeling a bit discouraged…we realized that was it could
be a very long road. It began with blood work for both of us (which was
normal), then a semen analysis (again, normal), then in the spring I had a
procedure called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG). Let’s just say having dye shot
into your fallopian tubes (to make sure they are open) is not a pleasant
experience…I think I frightened every person on the radiation floor with my
screaming. It was quite the traumatizing day. But again, all looked normal. By
this time the doc was able to induce a period (which I had to have to get the
HSG and all subsequent fertility treatments) – a combo of Provera and estrogen,
a 31-day cycle of pills, did the trick.
After
the HSG, we needed a break. Plus, the doc said that some people have success
getting pregnant after an HSG because it can clear out a partial blockage in the
tubes (which could be why it was so painful for me). So we decided to just do
our own thing for a few months…but nothing – no baby and no period. Things were
just not working.
September 2012
In August,
I started my pills to get my period so we could begin treatments for infertility.
(They still have not given me an official diagnosis – it’s unexplained
infertility and/or ovulation problems). In September 2012, I did my first round
of Clomid – a pill a day for five days – that is to stimulate my follicles/eggs
to grow. However, the dosage was too low and my follicles did not grow enough
so the cycle was cancelled. No period.
November 2012
So
October was “period pills” month and we were back in November to try another
round of Clomid – 100 mg this time. This
time my follicles were big enough to “trigger” – meaning I got an injection of HCG
(human
chorionic gonadotropin ) in my belly that is
to trigger me to ovulate in about 24 hours. At this point, we wanted to keep some part of
this process “natural” so we opted for timed intercourse over intrauterine
insemination (IUI). The bad news: no baby. The good news: my period arrived! I
was actually very happy about this because it meant that as long as I was
getting my period, (a) I was likely ovulating, and (b) we would be able to try
every month rather than having to take a month off between each cycle for me to
take my pills to get my period.
December 2012
The
doc upped my Clomid dosage again – to 150MG – and again my follicles reached a
good size (although it took longer than expected) and there were 4 of them,
which is good. This time we decided to go with the IUI – no more messing around!
On IUI day, Jared has an appointment to
do his part –cough cough wink wink – and then they “wash” his sample (ie. weeding
out the marathon swimmers from the lazy ones) and 2 hours later I have my
appointment where the doctor uses a catheter to inject the sperm into my
uterus. Not a very pleasant experience but not horrible.
I
let myself get too excited in the December cycle. I don’t know why but I had
convinced myself that it had worked. My period started the day before Christmas
Eve and I was totally devastated.
January 2013
Back
to Danville we went. Another round just like December – 150 mg Clomid with HCG
trigger and IUI. This time I had to give myself my HCG injection at home for
the first time (instead of a nurse at the clinic doing it) – I was so stressed!
But this round failed and my period arrived.
February 2013
So that brings us to the
present. I was just at the clinic last week for my baseline scan (first
ultrasound of the cycle to ensure there are no cysts on my ovaries and that
everything looks good). This time, the doc asked if I wanted to try a new drug –
Femara. I course! I’ll try anything! It’s an oral drug just like Clomid. I feel
pretty much the same as I did on Clomid although my night sweats, which were my
only Clomid side effect, seem to be worse. I go back next week for my first
scan to see how I am reacting and how big the follicles are.
